It's due back in seven days
by Panda Luff
Summary: The Baudelaire orphans watch a rented copy of The Ring, or at least that movie that you die within 7 days of watching...you know the one...with the...ah whatever! Just read and review...please.
1. Let us all watch a movie!

I don't own the Baudelaires, the Unfortunate Events Series, Lemony Snicket, The Ring or anything related to anything. I don't own any remote mountain caves, BLOCKBUSTER, Rogers Video or lightly-buttered-but-not-salted. I don't earn that 'something along the lines of' phrase that Lemony Snicket puts after Sunny talks either. Get it? I own nothing! AAAGH! AGHH! o.O

Now that that's over, enjoy!

* * *

Violet tapped her fingers nervously, I mean anxiously (or is it nervously?). Anyway, she tapped them, and that was that.

The Baudelaire orphans were living in a remote cave deep in the mountains (not so remote that it wasn't' well-equipped with electricity and running water, though), but nevertheless were in constant fear of Count Olaf popping up and whisking them away. It had been quite a boring day, so Sunny had suggested that they all watch a movie; it had been a better idea than Klaus's offer to teach them about coral reefs and the dwellings of black bears.

Klaus had taken the opportunity to go down the nearest BLOCKBUSTER, which was coincidentally only a few caves away. Now, as the rays ticked by on a half-melted sundial that Violet had constructed with Klaus's instruction (Sunny had helped find rock and whittle down sticks), Violet wondered what was taking Klaus so long. In her worried and anxious (or is it nervous?) mind, Violet imagined a pair of hands grabbing Klaus on his trip to the video store, or a finger pushing a big red button and there soon being an avalanche near Klaus or…maybe Klaus would pick a really stupid movie; like a documentary about lily pads. As Violet thought about Klaus's movie picks, the big red button and following avalanche didn't seem quite so bad anymore.

"_Ab abigo dissuasio," _came a whisper from the cave entrance. Meaning 'the cat speaks' it was a Latin password that Klaus had made. With the threat of Count Olaf looming above their heads, the Baudelaire orphans had all agreed on having a weekly secret password. Klaus had suggested the use of Latin in their passwords, insisting that 'Latin may be a dead language, but that does not mean it cannot be reborn in the Baudelaires!'.

"Lightlybutteredbutnotsalted," Sunny muttered, hearing the password. She meant something along the lines of 'Oh good, Klaus is here. I hope he didn't forget the popcorn or get some hideous documentary about lily pads'.

Both Sunny and Violet turned their heads to see Klaus coming into the cave, holding a battered video in one hand and a tub of popcorn in the other. There were no signs that he had gotten trapped in an avalanche preceded by a push of a big red button. In fact, he looked quite cheery.

"Sisters, I have found a video!" he cried, thrusting the arm with the cassette triumphantly into the air.

"Good job, Klaus," Violet said, then hesitated. "What is it?"

"Well, I'm not quite sure," Klaus answered, frowning. When I got to BLOCKBUSTER I found the store to be entirely deserted. Not an employee or customer in sight! I had to find a video and popcorn myself and I left the cash on the counter. Tsk, we may have to switch to Rogers Video, the lack of service at BLOCKBUSTER was absolutely despicable!"

"Gerron wittit!" Sunny cried, meaning 'Yes, I know, _horrid_, but what movie did you choose? And you didn't put any butter on my popcorn, did you? I know Violet wanted some but it's too slippery for my taste.'

"Well Sunny, I bought three packs of microwave popcorn. If we could construct a microwave then I'm sure you could use the sediment from these cave rocks to salt some plain popcorn. However, to begin with salt isn't very good for teeth, never_mind_ what it does to your health, and—"

"KLAUS!" Violet rudely interrupted. "The _film_,"

"Er, yes," Klaus began. "Well after I chose a tape - his one has character, don't you think?" Klaus held out the worm video. "As I was saying, I left the money for it on the counter when a pair of hands whisked me away _Hmm,_ _so half of my wish came true_, Violet thought. Naturally I was quite spooked when I saw a saggy old man gripping me. I'm afraid he possessed little or no sanity as me looked at me with terrified eyes and shook me vigorously, screaming "Seven days! _SEVEN DAYS! …_It's due back in seven days, son. Enjoy!"

"Well, Klaus, we _are_ just renting it. I'm sure the man just wanted a prompt return," Violet reasoned.

"Of course, Violet," Klaus said, but didn't sound entirely sure.

"Paranoid twit!" Sunny said, which surely must have meant "It's all right, dear brother. There is nothing to worry about. Now why don't we watch the movie?" And with that, they popped the video into the VCR (I _told_ you this cave was well-equipped!) and settled back, as the FBI warning came on.

* * *

Note: To all Klaus fans, I'm not overly fond of Klaus. In fact, I find him quite irritating so don't blame me too much if he finds himself under a big pile of snow, big red button or not. It just had to happen. On a better note, I like Sunny and Violet a lot so you won't have to worry about their well being during the course of this fanfiction. Toodleoo and have a nice day! Panda (See you next chappie!)


	2. If we can ever get through the previews

I don't own ANYTHING. But one day…notices stares of copyright editors Umm, nevermind…;;

* * *

"Oh my," Violet said, reading the large, blue & white FBI warning that came at the beginning of each film. "That sure is a lot for just copying a video. Klaus…what's a 'copyright infringement'?

"Well, Violet," Klaus replied, getting settled in his seat. "It can be a very complicated matter," The Baudelaires' remote mountain cave was remote, but well-equipped. There were couches, air conditioning and wall-to-wall carpeting. Even with the filtered air, Klaus paused for a moment to wipe his glasses on his shirt. In a cave with so many appliances, this seemed quite primitive. Once finished, he placed them carefully upon his nose and cleared his throat. I get bored just writing it.

"Violet," Klaus began, but Violet held up a finger and Sunny bared her teeth at Klaus and said "Shut up!" which must have meant 'Not now dear brother, the movie is about to begin.'

Sunny was right; as Klaus's pre-lecture activities had taken the better part of the warning, English and French versions, and was now well in to the previews.

"Pirates…of the Caribbean," Violet said, staring intently at a preview.

"Ah, yes," Klaus said, happy to have something else to lecture about. "The Caribbean Islands are quite popular with pirates. A particularly exceptional pirate captain was—"

"Klaus!" Violet snapped. "That's Johnny Depp!"  
"Huh? Wah?" Klaus said, confused. Noticing the long-haired pirate on the screen he recoiled. "_Him?_ But-but Violet! What about Duncan? Or Quigley?"

Violet rolled her eyes and shared an exasperated look with Sunny. Smart as he was, Klaus would never understand.

"Orly hot!" Sunny cried, pointing at the screen when Orlando Bloom came on. For the rest of the preview, the girls stared, starry-eyed while Klaus sat with a puckered expression on his face. Girls. For the life of him, he'd never understand them.

* * *

Wow! A whole three hundred words and all they did was watch the previews…x-X. A tad bit short this chapter, but never fear! The Baudelaires shall watch The Ring…eventually. Remussweetie, Ariana the musical genius and ChibiJoeyChan, thanks for the reviews! 


	3. Eep

Chapter 3: In Which the Baudelaires ACTUALLY WATCH THE MOVIE! And in which I _still_ don't own anything!

* * *

The previews were over. Finally. Klaus had started to get restless when there were no ads for lilypad documentaries on the screen. But what happened next blew those lillypads right out of his rather large head. 

The happy Disney music changed abruptly to a single, eerie violin. The television screen went black and in the darkness of the remote mountain cave (you _always_ turn off the lights when watching a movie) the Baudelaire orphans shivered.

The blackness on the screen changed slowly to dark navy, and only when there were ripples did the Baudelaire's realize that it was a body of water. The cries of unseen birds were heard, and a dark figure swooped past. Klaus couldn't help but remember Lake Lachrymose, and its unseen dangers. Violet thought of how once you fell in before waiting you were dead, no way to stop it. Little Sunny shuddered at the thought of the leeches, with teeth so dangerous. She delicately fingered her own four fangs.

The screen went dark again, and the Baudelaires found themselves looking at the coarse fur of a cat – a black cat. Its green eyes stared intently at each of the children and it curled its paws, as if ready to pounce at them and out of the television. Instead, the cat shook, its fur standing up angrily, and walked next to a ladder. Its skinny tail lightly curved around the ladder's leg, and with a sudden jerk, the cat pulled the ladder down. The camera followed the cat as it scurried away, and the scream of a man could be heard. Violet reminded herself to never be a construction worker.

The cat slowed down, its footsteps a steady rhythm of _pat pat pat_ until it came to a cliff edge. Upon looking down, the screen turned to the same navy colour as before, the one that so resembled Lake Lachrymose. In an instant large jaws swooped up from the dark water, and much thrashing could be heard. During all the action, the camera was pointed towards a lone tree, whose only leaves were on the ground, dark and crumbled. When the noise subsided, the camera went back to the cliff edge only to see a jumble of rocks, and no cat or sea creature.

The wind picked up and leaves flew across the screen so wildly the vision blurred. When clear again, a cracked mirror was seen in the upper right hand corner. The only image was a woman brushing her hair. Her face was older behind her years, and her dark hair curled like seaweed on her shoulders.

At a time like this, Klaus might say, "Why, that's physically impossible! No human can lick their elbow, get out of the pretzel position in under two hours _or_ havetheir reflection in a mirror without being in front of it!"

Violet might think, "How spiffy! I think I'll invent a mirror like that!"

And our dear Sunny would most likely say, "Kewl," meaning 'I imagine it would be quite an experience biting such an object,"

However the Baudelaire orphans said nothing. Their eyes were transfixed on the screen. Violet wasn't sure why, but her heart was beating wildly. Klaus squeezed his hands to find his palms sweaty; Sunny realized that she had been grinding her teeth.

The movie went on. The woman stepped away form the mirror and into the bleak room. She was wearing dark robes. The woman walked swiftly and the camera followed her to a stable. Stealthily, the woman mounted on the horse and put it into a gallop. As they flew across a field, the woman's robes fluttered in the wind, to reveal an eye on her left ankle. All that could be heard was a _swish_ as the pair moved across the wind, the horse's running silent. A loud buzz broke the silence and surprised the orphans. It was from a fly, moving tauntingly across the screen. After a moment, it disappeared, and the camera focused on the horse and rider again.

They were now nearing a cliff, the same one the cat had gone to. Instead of stopping, the horse ran, ran right over the cliff and into the air. There it stayed beautifully then dove in a graceful arc. Once again, the camera focused on the single tree in the area as a light _plop_ was heard.

This time, there was something different about the tree. The leaves below it were arranged in a ring circling the tree. The image of the tree went blurry for a second, then faltered, blinking. In a snap the tree had disappeared and all that was left was the ring. The camera went into a birds eye view and looked down upon the ring, where, if not a tad bit obvious, the word 'The Ring' appeared in a red, dripping text. The image stayed on screen for but a moment, until it was promptly replaced with static.

No one got up to bang on the TV until it got working again. No one got up at all.

From the depths of the remote mountain cave, the phone rang, its _brrring_ penetrating the silence. The orphans exchanged glances and Violet whispered, "I'll get it," She stood up shakily and walked deeper into the cave, her siblings watching her until she disappeared into the darkness.

The static remained.

* * *

It's been a while since I've watched The Ring, so I improvised. I tried my hand at a little horror, but I've decided that next chapter is definitely humor again. Thanks so much for the reviews! They really inspire me… **sniff** Incentives are good….o.o Anyways, enjoy the summer heat (assuming that you don't live in Antarctica) and see you next chapter! ;) 


	4. The Telephone Call

Ooops! SO sorry for the delay! I just needed…inspiration. ((sweeps hand dramatically))

And yes, I own nothing. Not the Baudelaires, Count Olaf, The Ring, Winnie the Pooh, Piglet, Darth Vadar… RUB IT IN WHY DON'T YOU!

Back to our featured FanFiction.

* * *

"_Briiing, briiing_," went the telephone. Violet looked down on the object sitting so innocently on the table. Hesitantly, her hand reached for it. Holding her breath, Violet put the receiver up to her ear. "Hello?" she asked, in a quivering tone. 

"…Bzztfshh…crkshis…zzzhizxx" On the other line, only a crackling static could be heard, much like that on the television in front of the other two Baudelaires.

Violet gasped in horror as if someone had put their arms around her throat. Old, gnarly hands with bad eczema. The same hands that one would use to light fires, sift precious gems stolen from the inherited fortune of certain orphans and prepare a pot roast with. The same hands as Count Olaf's.

"Hello!" Came a cheery voice from the other end of the phone, snapping Violet out of her recurring daymare. "Congratulations! You've just won an all expenses paid trip to the Bahamas for TWO WEEKS courtesy of ELVI radio stations! Remember, it's not the short from of Elvis, it's not an anagram of evil, vile or live; it's ELVI radio stations! You can pick up your ferry tickets from in one of our 57 locations from across the country. How FORTUNATE you must be! Have a nice trip…!"

Violet could feel the smile of the salesman (or saleswoman, you never know with some voices, Violet always had a throaty sound herself) all the way from the other line. She sensed some spinach stuck between the two front teeth as well. Dental problems aside, this wasn't what Violet had expected. Gasping for the second time in three minutes, Violet clutched her hand and to her chest, fearing to be the youngest person the suffer a cardiac arrest. She let herself get too caught up in movies…

* * *

A few mountain caves away, Alf O. Notuc smiled. Unbeknownst to Violet, this man was not who he appeared to be. Unbeknownst to himself, he had some spinach stuck between his two front teeth. 

Like Al Funcoot and Fat Uncloo, Alf O. Notuc was an anagram of Count Olaf. Although Count Olaf hadn't been very successful in disguising himself from the three Baudelaire orphans (or from the landlord for his mountain cave, the annoying twit always saw through Olaf's Bridal/Gardener outfit…) he had caught up with the times, buying one of those $15 gizmos that change your voice, making it higher or lower, or making it sound like a cheesy salesman, Darth Vadar or characters from Winnie the Pooh. Now, Olaf's plan was well underway. Lure the Baudelaires to an irresistible island cruise, then BAM! steal their fortune and drop them off in a remote area with friendly locals…Friendly, _cannibalistic_ locals.

Olaf rubbed his hands together and squealed in delight. Unfortunately, the voice changer was still on, so he sounded a bit like Piglet. Nevertheless, this was a cause to celebrate. _Yes_, Olaf thought, eyeing the plasma screen TV he had stolen earlier, _this calls for a movie and some lightly salted popcorn_.

* * *

A bit of a short chapter….but I have a bunch of the rest of it formed in my mind, I just wanted to get this part up so you guys could read it and get it back into your minds again (you haven't FORGOTTEN about my story, have you? ((gasp)) :O Well, I guess I didn't update for a while, but….). Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it and thanks so much for the reviews! 


	5. Violet sings & Olaf turns Shakesperean

Sneaky reviewers indeed:)

You all must know this by now, but I don't own anything and I've come to accept that. I really have I really – AAH NO I HAVEN'T!

On to Chappie No. 5

* * *

"Urrrrrrp." Count Olaf belched as he sifted oily fingers through a bucket of popcorn. Having just popped in a tape, the blue and white FBI warning was flashing warningly. Quite ironic, considering that Olaf had stolen this video along with 127 others from the local Mountain Cave BLOCKBUSTER. However having taken only the videos and not the covers themselves Olaf was playing grab bag. In other words he could be watching anything from comedy to horror to a documentary on lily pads.

"Hmm, Pirates of the Caribbean," Olaf said, looking at a preview that had just come on. "They must have some nice treasures to steal: gold coins, precious jewels, those _adorable_ little monkeys…" He gave another loud burp and laughed, throwing unpopped kernels at a pack of ghost pirates on the screen. "Take that you undead mongrels! And that! And that! And—AAH!"

Olaf shrieked, and threw himself from his easy chair towards the plasma TV. The kernel that he had thrown had created a small buttery smudge on the screen.

"Nooooo!" he moaned. "It wasn't meant to _be _this way!" Olaf retracted a dirty handkerchief from his left jacket pocket and started rubbing the smudge furiously. Instead, he widened the mark and added a few unsightly green boogers in the process. Shaking his head sadly, Olaf let his hand slide down the screen despairingly. The oil from his fingers blurred the area even more.

"Oh personal hygiene! How I loathe thee and thou rage! Thou has scorn'd upon Mother Earth's loveliest creature!" Sobbing, Olaf returned to his easy chair and slumped in it despondently, barely noticing that the movie was about to start.

* * *

Alert! Alert! We interrupt this feature FanFiction to bring you…An Author's Comment!

Hi! Sorry to interrupt, but I wanted to say something and it _is _my FanFiction after all and—Ok I'll get to the point. Why is it always 'misfortune' and 'unfortunate'? Why not 'unfortune' and 'misfortunate'? Well, misfortunate is a real word (or at least the paperclip guy from Microsoft Word thinks so) but why not unfortune? Huh? HUH? **HUH? **

An Author's Comment section experiencing technical difficulties. Back to our featured FanFiction.

* * *

"Oh personal hygiene! How I loathe thee and thou rage! Thou has scorn'd upon Mother Earth's loveliest creature!" Sobbing, Olaf – Hey, wait, you already read this part! Ok, let's fast forward a bit…

"I nominate the ladder for best supporting actor," Violet said with a raised hand – Umm, _too _far, that's not even in this chapter! Gosh darnit! I hate these new-fangled contraptions. Stupid remote! Rewinding…

.retsissihtagnizag,deksasualK"?enohpehtnotahtsawohwtelioV"

Ah! Here we are!

"Violet, who was that on the phone?" Klaus asked, gazing at his sister. After catching her breath, Violet had returned to the living room, where her two siblings were frozen in front of the television, the static still crackling ominously in the otherwise dark room. Violet gave them an unusual look, and burst into song.

"Dear brother and sister, will you turn on the light,

And turn off that contraption that scared us tonight.

I was just on the phone

With a fright to my bones

The telephone ringing,

Ringing in my ears

And so confirming,

Confirming my fears.

I picked it up and heard a voice

A voice like no other, I say

It was cheesy and sly

I'm sure it would hurt a fly

But to my surprise

It offered me a prize!

With a cock of my head

I listened to what it said

And dear sister and brother

We have but each other

And I say to you in all truth

If not, I shall eat my foot,

That we, the unfortunate siblings

With misfortunate lives

The ones that eat peppermints

And instead of fresh breath get hives

We have won something

No doubt our luck is returning

A trip to the Bahamas

Free of man-eating llamas!

A cruise, mind you

Now don't say 'Foo!'

This is real, I believe

I ain't a brain like a sieve

So brother and sister

Our luck has naught been better

For today is the day

I am joyous to say

That the Baudelaires

Have it fair

Fair and square

Now let's pack our bags

And no one nags

And leave this mountain cave

The place we hid to save

Ourselves of our troubles

And muddles with

Count Olaf

The old pilaf

As Isadora once rhymed

And now it is time

Let's go!"

Violet's siblings stared at her. For a very long time there was silence, until Sunny gave her precious words of wisdom. "Klaus win bet. Violet insane." This meant something along the lines of, "When Klaus told me that Violet was acting strangely I refused to believe it, until this first-hand encounter,"

Violet gaped at her siblings. Did they not believe her? Well, whatever. She sure as sugar wasn't going to sing to them again. "Klaus, Sunny…I didn't make this up! We _actually_ won a cruise trip to the Bahamas! And you both no that gambling is wrong." No come on, let's get going, and get our prize!"  
"Violet," Klaus said hesitantly. "You know, those radio contests aren't all that reliable…Did you even enter the contest in the first place?"

"Klaus, do you _always_ have to be right? This happens in every book, and now in a FanFiction too! Don't you know that if the lead character weren't reckless and stupid most books would have no plot?

"Violet lead character? Yeah right!" Sunny intervened, meaning, "Violet, I'm sure that deep down, we are all main characters. The Baudelaires siblings must stick together!"

Violet looked down fondly at her youngest sibling. "Sunny, you're right. But please," She looked from Sunny to Klaus, "I really believe that this is a good thing. Please, let's pursue this opportunity."

"All right, Violet," Klaus said, pulling his older sister into a hug. "Let's go. Besides, on the way we can drop off this video, too."

"I hate customer service!" Sunny smiled, which meant, "But not before rewinding it to the beginning so that future viewers won't have to hassle."

The three Baudelaires smiled at eachother, and then went their separate ways to pack for the trip.

* * *

Wow! Look at that! I wrote a bunch of stuff! Yay! Go Panda, it's your birthday. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh, by the way, did you know that BLOCKBUSTER has NO late fees! Yup, that's right! So _technically_ this fic should be called 'It's never due back, but if you keep it for more than a month you'll have to pay a $7.25 restocking fee" Anyways, thanks SO much for the reviews! I love them! Yay!

See you next time:D


	6. Musical Suitcases

Thanks for the reviews:D

A bit late, eh? Well better late than never! New chappie! .

I don't own ANYTHING – and the song lyrics courtesy of MP3lyrics and lyricsbox (bit repetetive names, huh?)

Submarine – The Beatles

Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head – Burt Bacharach

Dragostea Din Tei (Phonetics) (Numa Numa Song) - O-Zone

* * *

The three Baudelaire siblings had gone into their separate rooms in the remote mountain cave. Violet dwelled in the far right part of the cave. On top of her small, simple bed was a colourful quilt, and on top of that a battered suitcase. Frantically she was throwing random articles of clothing in; dresses, ribbons, stockings….she always wore the same thing anyway. Ah, the downside of being a fiction character: never a change of clothes! 

"_In the town where I was born  
lived a man who sailed to sea  
And he told us of his life  
In the land of submarines_"

Violet started singing the popular Beatles song – "Yellow Submarine". After her opera-esque performance to her younger siblings, Violet had gained a liking for random bursts of song. More enthusiastic than ever, Violet launched heartily into the next verse:

"S_o we sailed up to the sun  
Till we found a sea of green  
and we lived beneath the waves  
In our yellow submarine_

_We all live in a yellow submarine  
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine  
We all live is a yellow submarine  
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine_

As we live a life of ease  
Everyone of us has all we need  
Sky of blue and sea of green  
In our yellow submarine

_Ohhhhhh— _"

Violet stopped her singing abruptly, aware of a disturbance in the remote mountain cave. She listened for a moment, but couldn't hear anything wrong. Blinking a few times, Violet grunted and shrugged her shoulders. There was nothing to worry about. But she didn't continue singing.

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Meanwhile, Klaus was busy packing for the trip in his own section of the cave. He thought of how strangely his sister had acted just minutes before, claiming that they had all won a radio prize and the she was the main character. Pah. Still, Violet had been pretty sure of herself.

'I really believe that this is a good thing. Please, let's pursue this opportunity,' she had said. Though 'Let's pursue this opportunity' didn't sound like something that Violet would say. Neither did 'please'.

He heard a slightly hoarse voice coming from the direction of Violet's room. Klaus listened for a while, until he started singing a song of his own,

"_Raindrops keep falling on my head  
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed  
Nothin' seems to fit"_

Klaus jammed a roll of socks into the corner of his bulging suitcase.

_  
"Those raindrops are falling on my head, they keep falling"_

With a _sproing_ the socks rocketed out of the tight space and hit Klaus in the face.

Clenching his fists, Klaus continued,

"_So I just did me some talkin' to the sun  
And I said I didn't like the way he' got things done  
Sleepin' on the job  
Those raindrops are falling on my, head they keep falling"_

Wrapping the socks with a red bowtie, Klaus squished them into the suitcase and quickly shut the lid.

"_But there's one thing I know  
The blues he sends to meet me won't defeat me  
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me"_

Klaus promptly sat on the suitcase and clicked the two locks closed. Slowly he got up and wondered if the locks would pop up and if everything would fly out.

"_Raindrops keep falling on my head  
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red  
Crying's not for me  
Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'  
Because I'm free  
Nothing's worrying me."_

They didn't.

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Sunny, being quite advanced for her age, was packing in her room as well. In front of her lay an open suitcase and a large pile of medium-sized rocks. Sunny looked over each of them with an expert eye, and occasionally threw one in her suitcase.

"Hmm," she said, biting a rock. "Granite, possibly. High sediments, no cracks, smooth surface. Grayish colour with dark flecks…" which meant something along the lines of 'Yummy'.

Between testing rocks, Sunny would sing a few bars of the Numa Numa song.

"_Mi-a-hii_

_Mi-a-huu_

_Mi-a-haa_

_Mi-a-ha ha_

_Mi-a-hii_

_Mi-a-huu_

_Mi-a-haa_

_Mi-a-ha ha"_

She sang, with the appropriate dance moves.

"_Allo, salut, sint yel, un hydook,_

_she teraw, youbeera mah, primesh der, vericheera…"_

Sunny started juggling rocks and throwing them into her suitcase with the flair of a true circus performer.

"_vrais a pleche dar numa numa i-ay"_

Sunny threw some rocks.

"_numa numa i-ay numa numa numa i-ay"_

Sunny threw more rocks.

"_kipul tow she dragosta din tay, ma mintesc day oki ti-ay_

_NUMA NUMA I-AY!"_

Sunny gave a fierce cry and threw all the rocks into the suitcase. Upon looking at them, she saw that they were all in neatly aligned rows. Perfect.

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Not to far away was Count Olaf, in his own remote mountain cave. Unlike the others, this cave was completely dark, with the exception of the blinding white static coming from the television. In front of the set was an old arm chair with a bony figure draped on top. The creature lay completely still and appeared lifeless, if not for the intelligent glint in its eyes. The creature smiled, muscles contorting harshly and fragments of teeth coming out like fangs. Oh yes, Count Olaf was going to make a come back.

* * *

Hmm? So, what do you think? Do you like it? Huh? Huh? Is it your favouritest chappie ever:D 


	7. And off we go

Look, I'm back! And with a new chap too. :P

"Well, I suppose we should be on our way," Violet had said. Fifteen minutes later, the Baudelaires were still in their remote mountain cave, with no signs of leaving soon.

"We should take the toboggan. Just in case," Klaus way saying, leaning against the sled.

"Klaus, it's a _Caribbean cruise_," Violet said, seething. "There's no need for that."

"Well, it can be handy on the trip down the hill, and…" Klaus hesitated, "we could pull our stuff and Sunny on it during the trip up…if there's ever any need for one, that is," he quickly added, seeing Violet's expression.

Neither Klaus nor Sunny believed Violet about winning the spontaneous radio cruise prize. They knew she was telling the truth, and who knows how many times Klaus himself had won a cruise trip or Ipod Nano (complete with a computer virus and never-ending pop-ups), but did anyone actually _believe_ those things? Get real! It was strange to see smart and sensible Violet acting giddy and gullible, but her siblings would play along, searching for this radio station, and hopefully Violet would not be too crushed when they couldn't find it.

Violet, too, knew that her siblings didn't believe her. When they were alive, her parents had always told her not to accept gifts from or though electronic devices, and she could always give the offending machine a piece of her mind by smashing it with a mallet, as long as she didn't hurt herself. But now her parents were gone, the only mallet was a block of ice, and it _would_ hurt if she tried holding it, because it was scratchy and cold. Besides, it had been so long since they had last been fortunate, and Violet needed to get out of this remote mountain cave. Besides, it was a trip to the Caribbean Islands, and she could meet Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom and_ surely_ when they saw her she would replace that horrid Keira Knightley (though she did seem all right in _Pride and Prejudice_), and then they would all live happily ever after, and Klaus and Sunny could try for Hillary Duff or Lil' Bow Wow.

"Fine. Bring it along, Klaus." Violet said, snapping out of her daydream. "Sunny, hop on. No. You can't bring that, even if it's seasonal." She pointed to the hula girl novelty lamp Sunny was clutching, along with many other things. Sunny had gotten the most attached to the mountain cave, literally. She'd gotten her teeth stuck in many of the ice blocks that looked sufficiently bitable, and though her teeth were sensitive for a few days, it had been an interesting experience. Reluctantly, Sunny let go of her other possessions, but kept a steadfast hold on the lamp.

Rolling her eyes as she often did when exasperated, Violet sat Sunny on top of a pile of suitcases, secured a rope around her, and picked up one end of the toboggan's handle, while pointing at Klaus to pick up the other, all the while sighing audibly. After gasping from all that exhaling, Violet jerked the toboggan forward, causing Klaus to stumble, and marched concentratedly forward out of the cave, not looking back.

I _was_ going to add more, really, but I just couldn't get around to it so I thought I'd just add this one up (even if it's a bit short). Thank for all the reviews:D


	8. Prep of the Battle Arena

I don't own the Baudelaires, Sally Hansen or the Ring.

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An awkward silence. Klaus and Sunny looked pityingly at the back of Violet's head, her black hair swishing left and right as she took vehement steps, snow crunching below her feet. They didn't dare speak in fear of Violet's wrath. Better the snow than them. The three siblings were trailing down the mountain slope, with Violet first, holding the toboggan behind her, and Klaus bringing up the end. Sunny was in the middle, perched on the toboggan, clutching a hula girl lamp. A sudden breeze sweeped the children forward, at the same time chilling them. Sunny gave a small whimper from the cold. Violet stopped in mid-step, and turned around to face her sister. 

"Sunny?" Both Sunny and Klaus perked their ears, surprised to hear their sister speak. "We'll be there soon," Violet said, nodding at the lamp. She gave her siblings a small smile and turned around, hitching the toboggan up.

From there, her steps were gentler.

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Count Olaf smiled indulgently as he rubbed his hands with _Sally Hansen's Coconut Oil for Cuticles_. The rich, dark oil seeped into his nails, giving them the strength of Vitamin E with a nice scent. Ah, they would make a delicious feast for later. Bless that woman.

He was leaning back on a comfy swivel chair, feet propped up on a table near an open cash register. After watching the movie, Olaf had returned to Blockbuster to capture it as his headquarters. It wasn't the best mountain cave money could buy, but it would be good enough to wait in until those Baudelaire brats arrived. Huh. How he loathed them, with their clever little schemes. The girl was pretty, but a snob and the boy was the worst of the bunch. He reminded Olaf of his old Latin teacher, with his droning voice and thick glasses. Ugh! And then there was that little monkey they carried around…

Olaf smirked and glanced towards the entrance to the store. Capturing it had been surprisingly easy. Now that the small staff and that old janitor were locked up in the 'Employees Only' room, all he had to do was wait for the Baudelaires to come. After all, those goody-goods would never forget to return a video, and they'd never dare peek into the sacred grounds of the 'Employees Only'. When the orphans walked in he'd be ready for them. Olaf breathed in the sweet smell of a plan coming together and coconut oil. Paradise.

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Hey! Another short chap but I just wanted to get it up. I'm not sticking too close to the 'Ring' theme, but it might come back later…. 


	9. preBLOCKBUSTER SHOWDOWN!

Ok, it's a bit short. But at least's it's up! ;)

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"Well, here we are." Klaus, Violet and Sunny looked up at the flashing yellow sign. 'BLOCKBUSTER' it said, in thick letters. Beneath the sign were a few posters advertising combos and no more late fees.

"We're in the seven day limit," Klaus said, squinting at a poster though frost-covered glasses. "Although, we could have kept it a bit longer...'More time to watch your favourites' it says..."

"No, that's Ok, Klaus," Violet said, looking warily at the tape. "Just pop it through the drop-in cute and let's go." Klaus wiped his glasses and searched for the chute. "Ah," he said, a white puff of breath drifting toward the metal glint of the chute. "And that's that," he finished, slipping the video in.

"No, it's not. This is just the beginning." Violet said, looking at Klaus.

"What! Violet?" Klaus looked at his sister bewilderedly. She blinked, surprised at his reaction. "I just meant that the chute's blocked up. You only got the first bit in. We'll have to go inside to return it.

"Oh, yeah. Err.." he peered at the brightly lit inside of the mountain cave. "Of course."

"Scaredy-cat," Sunny said, nodding sagely.

"Oh!" Klaus jumped at the sound of his other sister's voice. "Yes. You always know the right thing to say, Sunny," he said, stroking her head lovingly.

"Duh," she answered with an affectionate bite.

"Well then," Violet said, feeling a bit left out. Though they'd made up on the way there, it still felt like the teams were Klaus and Sunny, the younger but sensible siblings, against Violet, the eldest and off-her-rocker one that was dragging them down the mountain for a false hope. "Let's get going, shall we? Wouldn't want to miss the departure of the ship." She gave them a tight smile but was surprised to receive two warm ones back. "Yes, let's," Klaus said, plucking the video out of the chute. Then, all three of them, arms linked, walked into the fluorescent light of the BLOCKBUSTER mountain cave.

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I saw them coming in from the convex mirror in the corner. But the sercurity cameras helped too. They were walking with their arms together and the monkey was riding on Poindexter's head. Looked like something out of _Mary Poppins _or _The Sound of Music _or something. Maybe for my next disguise I'll be a nanny. I'm sure that Poppins hid some valuables under that dress of hers. And the blonde stole curtains, who says she couldn't have stolen some fortunes? But I'm not going to need a disguise anymore. This time I'm finally going to get the Baudelaire fortune and nothing's going to stop me. Oh, here come the twerps now...

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Not sure when the next chap will be up.../

Thanks for all the awesome reviews!


	10. Gum

Here we go, 10th chapter anniversary…And I STILL don't own anything! Enjoy…

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The light blinded his eyes; unnatural white rays coming at him from one foot intervals. The stale smell of old candy and popcorn entered his nose unsteadily, like a man using a walker. It was just as cold as it was outside, but the feel of the air conditioning made him uncomfortable. He heard muted sounds: a mélange of movie clips on the ceiling televisions, a constantly whirring fan…and a high-pitched squeal? He felt a tugging on his right arm and began to shake. The bright colours in front of him spun around – white, yellow, blue, red— 

"YO, BIG BRO!" Sunny shouted, which meant something along the lines of, "Klaus." "_Dude_, what orbit are you _in_?" She said, vigorously shaking his arms. Sunny must have been trying to communicate to her sibling that there was an urgent matter to deal with at hand.

"Huh?" Klaus said, snapping out of his reverie. He never knew why, but entering a shop frequently overloaded his mind. Klaus couldn't possibly fathom _what _the appeal was of these inatimate objects. He'd also become lost in the expectant mother's department of the mall when he was three, and remembered trying to find his way out of a pink floral, third semester smock. The experience had permanently scarred him.

"Kiwi! Kiwi!" Sunny whined, which meant something along the lines of, "Look! A bubblegum machine!" Klaus turned and looked, and indeed saw the object of Sunny's desires. It was large, red, and the giant sphere was 70 full with marble-sized balls of bright, rainbow colours. Klaus immediately started calculating the volume of the sphere the gumballs took up. 4∏r3 /3…

"Cheapskate!" Sunny said, gnawing his ankle, which meant something along the lines of "Will you me buy one? They're only a quarter. Oh, and your shoe's untied."

"Sunny," Klaus said, slightly irritated that his calculations had been interrupted. "I don't think gum would be suitable for a baby. And wouldn't it be hard to chew with only four teeth?"

Sunny pouted and mumbled, "Caillou", which meant something along the lines of, "I'm a toddler, not a baby," or "rock" in French. The two siblings looked at the gumball machine for a while and thought; one doing equations and the other fantasizing popping a huge bubble in other's face. However, as they were looking they noticed something odd, but they couldn't quite place it…were there suddenly less gumballs then there had been before?

"Yoo hoo!" Violet (you didn't think I _forgot_ about her, did you?) said, coming over to her siblings. She was holding up her dress, which was filled with gumballs. "Look what I got!" she exclaimed.

"Violet!" Klaus cried. "Where did you get—" he quickly scanned her lap "—$8.75 worth of gumballs?"

"Well," Violet said, grinning from ear to ear (which looked quite demented, mind you), "I was just going to get one for myself, because you guys are like, too dorky for gum, but the machine got stuck, so I was like 'Oh no, I'm always so unfortunate!' and I like, _kicked_, the machine? And, like, a bunch of gumballs came out! Some of them fell on the floor, but like, here, you can have them." Violet placed a gumball each into Sunny and Klaus's hand.

"Eeww…" Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, "This isn't a gumball, it's a dust bunny."

"Well, I don't think gum would be suitable for a baby. And wouldn't it be hard to chew with only four teeth?" Violet said snottily, popping a bubble in Sunny's face. Her siblings didn't know it then, but she had gotten a severe case of popnoxiousness from the gum.

Sunny was feeling quite sore towards her siblings because they wouldn't let her chew gum; Klaus was ticked with Sunny for interrupting his calculations and at Violet for not giving him a cherry gumball, which he saw her chewing right in front of his eyes; and Violet, who was already on shaky ground after the cruise trip incident, was less then thrilled at her siblings' reactions at her miraculous gum-getting. The siblings looked at eachother, and felt a rise of animosity between them. With each pop of a bubble they made (or each hack in Sunny's case) they felt themselves drift further and further. Little did they know that they would have to work together to survive what was next coming to them…

* * *

Ah, those Baudebrats! Look at them, chewing their gum like they're so high and mighty. You don't think that _I _wouldn't chew gum too if I still had my real teeth? They think they're so special, it makes me sick. Well let's just see how they put up with _this…_

* * *

The three Baudelaires marched up the cashier's desk. They tried to distance themselves as much as possible, but as they were all going in the same direction it looked very awkward. As the desk approached, Klaus picked up speed and got there first, plunking the video down. "The chute outside was blocked so we're here to return this vid—" Klaus looked up at the person behind the desk and stopped short. He was a tall, bony man, with a hooked nose and gray tufts of hair behind his ears. The top of his head was bald, and the skin was wrinkled and stained, as if someone had spilled coffee on top of it, and hadn't wiped it off until it was too late. The rest of his face was covered with acne scars and a long, gray unibrow sat on top of two piercing eyes. He was wearing a rumpled blue shirt that said 'BLOCKBUSTER' and a name tag that said 'If you need any assistence, just call out my name…Ted!' with a carefully placed smiley face sticker. But the second the Baudelaires saw the man, they knew that his name wasn't Ted, they knew that he didn't work his BLOCKBUSTER and they knew that you could call his name all you want, and he wouldn't come to your assistance. And the three children knew one more thing.

That he was Count Olaf.

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Well, that isn't really much of a surprise because _you _know that he's Count Olaf too, but…:)Thanks SO much for all those reviews! 50 reviews, 10 chapters…awesome! Anyways, I KNOW that it took a ridiculously long amount of time to get this up. I actually started writing it two days ago, so here it is, so thank goodness for long weekends! I'm looking forward to all the free time coming up in lovely summer, but before that comes not-so-lovely exams and end of term assignments. So wish me luck and hope to see you soon! 


	11. Chickens!

Hey! Finally, I know, I posted….And did everyone read the last book? That ending? OMG! So morbid and depressing! Yeah, yeah, I know that's the point of the entire series, but somehow, it's lost its whimsical funniness…but never fear! No character death in this fanfic! Well, maybe. Or not. Hm…

Also, please excuse any typos. My cat is swatting at the keyboard as I type. 2www 5tgr ….Thanks, Minnos.

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Olaf sneered at the three children in front of him. Finally, he had those orphans in his clutches! No meddling guardians to save the day, no hooked-handed, fashion disaster, androgynous, mime-imitating sidekicks to create loopholes in his master plan. Just him and the brats. Now, how should he go about with this? He was surely unrecognizable in his BLOCKBUSTER uniform, so should he rip off his name tag and reveal his true identity? _Or make them pay the late fee first? Mwa ha ha ha---_

"Olaf, we know it's you, and that nametag isn't fooling anyone. As well, BLOCKBUSTER's newest campaign is to eliminate late fees, and besides, our film is still within its renting period. You're also talking to yourself."

Olaf snapped out of his reverie, and tried to figure out which of the Baudelaires had piped up. They all had such similar, squeaky voices…he winced as they continued to talk.

"Windex!" Sunny peeped, which meant something along the lines of, "What have you done with the custodial staff? The employees? The manager? The customers? The air-conditioner repairperson?"

"Yes!" Klaus cheeped in his pre-adolescent voice. "Where the hell is everyone?!"

"Now Klaus," Violet clucked. "Don't use both a question mark _and_ an exclamation point at the end of your sentences."

Olaf rubbed his eyes. Was he seeing things? His vision swam, and the Baudelaires morphed into…chickens? He grabbed a random tape and desperately shoved it into the VCR, trying to get something to distract him. Meanwhile the Baudelaires were squawking "BACAW! BACAW!"

"BACAW!" Sunny cried in her half-English, trying to say 'backwards'. The tape Olaf had grabbed had been the scary-evil-freaky-creepy one that the Baudelaires had watched in their mountain cave. As Olaf was shoving it in backwards, it wouldn't go, and the VCR would soon break if he did not stop. Sunny had a plan that, if they could divert his attention with the tape, then she and her siblings could escape from Olaf's almost-clutches, and possibly take a few packs of microwaveable popcorn with them.

Fortunately for them, Olaf was so distressed from his poultry hallucinations (caused by lack of sleep and an excess of Clorox fumes) that getting away would be easy. Klaus, however, the nerdy but ever-heroic Klaus, wanted to stick around and rescue the custodial staff and also find out what cleaning products they were using for his research. Violet just wanted to get a move on to the cruise she had won (though, mechanical genius that she was, she still didn't get that it was all a trap leading them to the video store) but could be persuaded to use this a pit-stop to stock up on nutrition-devoid supplies. So, while Olaf was having a fit, the siblings consulted eachother and decided to go on the side-quest of saving the employees of BLOCKBUSTER. Maybe they'd get a coupon. Yay.

"Hello, what's this?" Klaus said, pickup up a DVD on the floor. The Baudelaires had started searching the video store for the employees of BLOCKBUSTER and this dropped film could have been their first clue.

"Klaus! That's _Gigli_! The 38th worst movie of all time, according to IMDb, the Earth's Biggest Movie Database" Violet cried, a horrified expression on her face.

Klaus' face visibly paled and he flung the offending piece of cinematography away immediately. It his a door 15 metres away marked 'employees only' and left a visible dent (hey, when your life is at stake, you get superhuman strength). There was an audible 'Ow! By bose! By Booooose!' from behind the door. The Baudelaires shared a look and headed towards the door.

"Is anyone in there?" Klaus said, asking his most redundant question ever.

"Byes!" Came a nasal voice.

"What?" Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, "what".

"B—" the nasal voice started, but was cut off by another.

"Oh shut up and let me do the talking! Hello? We're the custodial staff, employees, manager, customers and air-conditioner repairperson—"

"It's ok to say 'repairman' if I _am_ a man."

"Ahem. As I was saying…and the air-conditioner repair_er_, and we're all locked in the 'Employees Only' room. Anyway, as this is a large fire hazard and because we're running out of oxygen…could you get us out, please? We'll give you a 10 discount…" the voice ended off pleadingly.

Other the other side of the store the Baudelaires heard Olaf crying out in a strangled voice, "Chickens! Chickens!"

The siblings looked at each other, then at the wide array of films to choose from.

How could they refuse?


End file.
